"Emotions are like a tunnel. If you go through them all the way to the end, you'll find the light."
Children at the age of four experience intense, turbulent emotions. It is very easy for them to go from loud laughter to loud crying – and at this age, this is completely normal behaviour. When emotions reach a peak, children most often kick, hit, cuddle, cry – they love and hate at the same time.
It is important to remember that this is a natural developmental stage for a four-year-old, linked to the structure of the child's brain. At the age of four, the right hemisphere of the brain – responsible among other things for emotional processing – develops intensively. In children, development progresses in leaps and unevenly, which is why cooperation between the right hemisphere and the left – responsible for logical thinking – is so difficult.
There are many theories about how adults can cope in these difficult situations. However, all methods and tips need to be adjusted to the individual needs of the child. Acting intuitively, based on one's own experience and observation of the child, can bring the best results.
A voice from the preschool classroom
In my daily work as a preschool teacher, I encounter many situations where the "emotional tsunami" makes itself known. I try to juggle solutions I have learned over time. Through trial and error, I learn how to respond. That is why I would like to share a few examples of how to handle moments when a child is clearly struggling with their emotions.
Boundaries, consistency and calm
It is said that for the benefit of a four-year-old, boundaries should be upheld – this helps the child understand their meaning. Consistency, patience and calm are key. It is difficult, but sometimes there is no other way.
This matters because four-year-olds are starting to understand that not only they matter, but other people do too. Beyond their own needs, the feelings of those close to them are important. Children are already aware of others' feelings, which pushes them to test how far they can go in their relationships with adults.
Presence and acceptance of emotions
An essential element of healthy emotional development is the support and presence of adults. Children need permission for their emotions to be felt fully – sometimes the mere presence of someone close is enough to restore balance.
Being with a child through difficult emotions plays an important role in building acceptance. I spend time nearby, I try to hug, to touch lightly. This communicates that we accept what the child is experiencing, giving them a sense of security. It is worth remembering, however, that some children in a state of strong arousal do not want to be touched – in that case, simply being present is enough.
Naming emotions – step by step
Another helpful step is naming the emotions the child is experiencing. This does not mean that once we name an emotion, the child will immediately feel better – but they learn to put into words what they are going through. After a few such experiences, instead of kicking or hitting, the child can say that they are angry, sad or upset.
In such situations, adults can support communication using phrases like: – "I can see that you are angry..." – "I can see that you are sad because..."
One must be careful, however, with what I call "talking too much." We often believe that conversation helps – because adults regulate themselves through talking. Children regulate themselves through the body: closeness, movement, free play. Our talking can sometimes add to their tension.
The emotional defiance of a four-year-old – not always the same
The emotional defiance of a four-year-old is not "compulsory" – every child goes through it in their own individual way. Sometimes it manifests very mildly, but that does not mean we can dismiss it.
It is worth supporting the emotional sphere in everyday situations – giving children examples of solutions to difficult situations "in cold blood." Communication and offering ready-made examples are key. Alongside communication, observation matters – the ability to read a child's signals allows us to respond much earlier.
When a four-year-old struggles with emotions, a parent's first reaction is often to try to calm them down immediately – in reality, what matters more is a consistent, calm presence.
Experiencing emotions is not a conscious decision or a choice. It is something that happens to a child – emotions flood them, which can worry them and make them feel lost. They need to hear from an adult that experiencing emotions is a natural state.
Temperament – what we cannot change
Every child and adult has a certain temperament – that is, a level of energy and speed of reaction. Some children will find it easier to express emotions, others less so – some are naturally more nervous and impatient, others calm; some are dominant and need to have their way, others are compliant and cooperative – often just like their parents.
Temperament is an innate trait. We cannot change it – we can only adapt our parenting strategies to who we are and who our children are.
Summary
Above, I have tried to briefly outline how we can respond when a child goes through the natural defiance linked to development. The points I have raised should be applied individually, adjusted to each child. To a large extent, it is the emotional competence of parents that determines how a child will express emotions and what they will think about themselves and the world. It is important that throughout the process of learning emotional regulation, the child feels that there are no bad emotions – emotions simply are what they are.
Magdalena Golec, preschool teacher
